Fake Friends? Haters? I Don't Think So

I don't believe in the existence of fake friends and "haters". I think what we have is expectations which must be updated as frequently as possible.

Specific Mission

Every person has a specific mission and when done they leave. That's why when a person passes on we say they've accomplished their mission on Earth. The same thing happens in relationships (family - spouse/siblings, friends, colleagues, classmates). Every person around you plays a role in your life and may not be in a position to play another. I have many friends but I go to them for specific issues. For instance, to others I confide intimate matters, with others we discuss spirituality, others work-related issues, and some we discuss more but not all these matters.

I tell my wife that I can only be a husband to her and play that role in the best way possible, of course with God's help. But I remind her that if she expects more than that then am not the guy she needs. Why? Because, besides me, she needs friends, colleagues, classmates - roles which I cannot play. With these people she can discuss matters that are beyond me. In all relationships we have a role and we play that role well.

Expectations

This is where, I believe, trouble begins. You have a friend you refer to as your 'best friend' so you expect them to play all roles in your life; when they fail in one you say they don't have your back, they're fake. A good example. You are the seagull and your best friend the streamlined fish; you expect them to have your back. A monkey pokes you then climbs a tree, you ask your best friend to climb the tree and punish the monkey. He can't, he is there to help you in water not on land. But since he has not met your expectation, you say he's a fake friend. Is he really fake or you're asking for too much? Why don't you have another friend on land?

The same thing happens in marriage. As a spouse you should play your role very well but at the same time adjust your expectations to match your partner's capabilities. As a wife, you can't genuinely say that your husband is not caring because he did not buy you a car like the neighbours. In that case it is your expectations you fix, not the other person's actions. This needs to be done for all relationships. Keep in mind that betrayal cannot take place without expectations - so fixing the latter will control the former.

Competition and Success

Everyone has their own way of defining success, but many of us feel that some people out their do not want us to succeed. First of all, I find this thought malicious. I think you can only think this way if you also don't want another person to succeed. But why wouldn't you want them to succeed? Let me bring in competition here. In business you want your competititor to suffer losses so you can succeed. But in life things are different, or as we put it, "kwa ground vitu ni different". You don't benefit so much from another person's failure apart from simply massaging your ego. But competition is an important concept because somehow it gives birth to or feeds the term "haters".

So who is a hater? A person who doesn't want you to succeed? But why wouldn't they want you to succeed? Is it just competition? In your workplace you want a certain position and so does somebody else, you think the other person is a hater? You went separate ways with a friend due to a thing or two, you think now they don't want you to suceed? Life is full of scarce resources (that juxtaposition, full of scarce). Everyone is competing for the same resources. Look at it as competition, not hate. Musicians call each other "hater" instead of competitor - they are trying to please the same audience. And, by the way, competition does not have to be noisy and messy. You can benefit from it.

The society also plays a role. You graduate at the same time with your classmate then he buys a private jet while you still walk around. How do you feel as you watch those pictures? Do you hate them? Should they call you a "hater"? Should they post a pic in the jet with the caption "haters will hate" with you among the so-called "haters"? No. This is just a normal feeling. "He has already bought a jet while am still walking, wah! anyway, my time will come" and it doesn't have to be a private jet, define success as it applies to you. And because you're trying to make it life doesn't necessarily mean that someone out there is looking to pull you down, everyone is busy trying to make it as well.

Conclusion

You may be wondering why I expressed myself in this article. Let me explain. The world today is full of negativities. Everyone looks at each other as a "hater", a malicious competitor, we call our friends fake, and so on. But there is so much potential in us that can benefit us all. Simply balance your expectations and understand and appreciate the roles everyone around you play. I value all my friends so much. Then don't dismiss a person for failing to do what they were not meant to do in the first place. Allow them to learn and try to play that role well next time. Let's accommodate each other.
Peace!