Enough with the Killings

The number of killings related to love and relationships, in general, has increased with the recent cases of Ivy Wangechi, and the others in Coast and Nyaribo in Nyeri. This trend begs the questions, what is the cause of these killings? What is the solution? The Youth of ACK St. Peters Cathedral decided to discuss this topic and give Godly and socio-economically-informed recommendations for solutions.

 

The Causes of and Possible Solutions to the Killings in Relationships

There are several causes to which the killings can be attributed, even though some are not direct causes but triggers. But first, it is important to note that despite the trend, this is a problem that affects or can affect both men and women and, therefore, it cannot be reduced to a gender-based debate. The points below depict some of the triggers/causes with a description of how they lead to the killings, followed by a possible solution to each.

1. Unfaithfulness

This ranges from infidelity in marriage and the unfaithfulness in relationships. It can be true that one partner cheats on the other or simply lack of trust leading to doubts. Either way, unfaithfulness can cause one partner to feel betrayed, their time wasted, and their feelings trampled by the other, leading to suicidal and homicidal thoughts. The anger caused by unfaithfulness has led many to commit crimes they never thought they would ever commit.

Solution

It is true that unfaithfulness even by a friend or relative, leave alone a lover, hurts so much. The first solution is, therefore, to understand that the anger you feel when this happens is normal. However, what you do next can be the difference between life and death. Take some time away from the partner, especially when you can't control the anger, then do any or all of the points below;

i. Sit and talk with your partner in a public place. It may just be a misunderstanding or a dry doubt. Sit, talk, and listen to each other then calmly work a way out.

ii. Look for an appropriate third party. This can be your spiritual leader or a counselor. Talk to them about your issues and seek their advice.

iii. Learn to forgive. It has already happened, it is painful, yes, but your partner has apologized and promised not to repeat. Train yourself to be a forgiving person. If you can't forgive and live with them then you can forgive (not harm them) then part ways on grounds of infidelity, just as Jesus insinuated in Mathew 5:31-32

 

Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV)

 

³¹ “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ ³² But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

 

2. Lack of Maturity in Relationships

Maturity in a relationship refers to that state of having integrity - being honest and morally principled such that you cannot go against what you have agreed as partners. A relationship is also considered mature when there's a purpose/vision, there's understanding, openness, and each person is able to handle situations amicably. Immature relationships are subject to failure.

Solution

Evaluate yourself first to ascertain that you're mature enough to enter into a relationship. Study your potential partner very well then only make progress when you are comfortable with their level of maturity. There must also be healthy communication in the relationship.

3. Accepting Gifts Without Question - Unmet Expectations - Not Defining Terms and Conditions Early

These three causes are related as follows; when you receive a gift without asking why you're being given the gift you may make the giver to expect that you'll also give the goodies or any favors in return. If you fail to 'rudisha mkono' then the person may be upset and do crazy things. That problem would arise because you did not define the terms and conditions of your existence as early as possible. People feel betrayed when their assumed lovers did not even know that such feelings existed.

Solution

i. When given a lift, bought lunch, or given any other favor by a person who is not your father, mother, or blood brother or sister kindly ask why you're being given that favor. From the response, agree on the terms and conditions early - define what the relationship is and what it is not.

ii. Give a reason when you deliberately fail to act as someone expected if there was such an agreement (whether verbal or written). However, 'live to fight another day' when your expectations are not met. There's always room for more.

4. Inability to Accept Rejection/Separation/Divorce

We're in different times so we expect that now when you approach someone for a relationship and they say 'no' you are mature enough to take it and move on. However, it is also decent to give some reason for rejecting someone. However, separation and divorce are more painful and many people fail to accept the reality. Others are too jealous to imagine their partner with somebody else in the future so they resort to murder

Solution

- Take some distance from each other to reflect and avoid anger-driven altercations.

- Give a genuine reason for wanting to separate from or divorce a person. You can have a smooth separation, it doesn't have to be noisy and messy.

- See a counselor.

5. Depression

Depression mainly occurs as a result of accumulated stress. Depressed people do things no one expected they can because they are mentally unstable.

Solution

- Get rid of the factors that cause stress to a person. Know your partner and avoid piling them up with stress and anxiety. Shake off your stress and anxiety as early as possible.

- Have a friend or two with whom you can share your issues comfortably.

- See a counselor.

- Engage your friends when you note a sudden behavioral change - whether positive or negative.

6. Poor Parenting

Modern parents have little or no time for their children. There's a communication breakdown between parents and their children today. Such children will not feel comfortable to engage their parents when faced with life-threatening dilemmas. Some parents even support immoral behaviors by their children as long as they benefit.

Solution

- Spend time with your children; get involved in their lives.

- You may not always rely on your parents for advice on everything; build yourself a network of psychosocial support. This includes your friends, spiritual leaders, etc.

7. Provocation

Now this one is common with women. "Kill me! Do it now! You think I fear you?" Others even go ahead to shout at their spouses in the public or on social media, "I knew you couldn't do anything, coward! You're not even good in bed!" I hope you get what we're saying here. Everybody has a limit, so do not work tirelessly to stretch someone's limit because you'll get to it. Men also provoke anger.

Solution

- To the one provoking; even God gets angry so do not expect that person not to get angry because you'll not control their actions after that. Learn to control your mouth, especially when under emotions.

-To the one being provoked, walk away and avoid the provocation as much as you can. However, remind yourself that provocation is a weapon for the weak. Allow them to cool down and solve matters amicably. Do not allow your anger to get the best of you.

8. Others

i. Poor Communication - can cause serious damage to a relationship. Be open to each other.

ii. Peer Pressure - Doing things because others are doing or relying on friends for critical decision-making even when they are misleading. Do not conform to the patterns of this world. You can ask for advice but the decision is yours to make. Be strong and principled, do not be swayed.

iii. Incompatibility - Not everyone is your type and if you are not compatible then the relationship is likely to fail. Have a list of what you need in a partner, take time to observe, and make a move only when you're satisfied.

iv. Drug and Substance Abuse - This leads to mental impairment. People make irrational decisions, killing now then regretting when sober. Take steps to quit. But first, see a counselor.

v. Living life beyond your means - this pushes people to borrow and faking life, spending so much in the process only to be rejected later. Others develop the habit of 'eating' people's money to fund their extravagant lifestyles only to be made out and harmed later. Live within your means and be true to yourself and the people you intend to spend your life with.

vi. Inability to forgive - people decide to kill as a punishment, something that is very wrong. Learn to forgive. But in some cases, you can walk away even after forgiving, especially if things will not work for better in the future.

vii. Anger - can be caused by any of the reasons stated. Take some time away to cool down then settle things amicably.

viii. Not accepting correction - Admonish each other; that is to correct with love. Then accept corrections peacefully.

ix. Failure to learn from experience - how many people will die for us to learn? Some people are dying for the same mistakes made by previous victims.

Let us learn from the experience and avoid similar occurences in future.

Enough is enough!