Weddings: Important or Not?

In a society where the pressure to follow the norms is the order of the day; at a time when every person interprets concepts to their tune; the importance of weddings or non-importance thereof has been highly debated.

I will be lying if I say that I intend to force everyone to follow a certain pattern of belief with regard to weddings. However, we shall walk this path together then see what we can come up with. I can compel you to see the positive side. But for starters, what’s a wedding? Simply put, a wedding is a ceremony to celebrate the beginning of marriage. That’s the definition at least 70% of us will give. Weddings as we know them, involve the exchange of marriage vows. That time when the love-drunks promise to stay together; "…till death do us part." No other definition can be more correct. A wedding ceremony brings together the spouses, witnesses, and their parents, ready to start the marriage. Without a wedding, can you say when your marriage started?

So, what does culture say about weddings? Well, we know that our mzees took our mothers through a well-defined process that varies between communities. However, all African traditions require the man to report to the lady’s family about his interests on their daughter. Wazees will then sit down and determine the next step all the way to the official ‘handing over’ of the ‘now-wife.’ The church also requires that couples are united in Holy Matrimony in church before starting their marriage. The state also accepts civil marriage and even recognizes a couple as married if they’ve lived together for six months or more. None of these is news, we already know them and if you don’t, get old without marrying and the society will educate you freely. But, what is our place? What is the current situation? How should we slay this giant?

Current Situation

Most [young] people do not want to wed but want to marry: fact! Some people fear weddings because of the costs involved: fact! Some people do not know the basic requirements of a wedding ceremony: fact! Now what? Let’s address the three issues.

Wedding has been defined earlier as the first step to marriage. It is a stage you should not skip. This applies to religion, traditions, and also the state. Wait, you’re saying that you are in marriage but did not wed? do a wedding now, unless if you did a wedding but you’re not sure. (It happens when both parents have met and agreed to give the lady to the man together with their blessings. That’s a wedding right there). But we can talk about this until Mt. Kenya erupts but we won’t find a way out. Weddings are crucial. You should wed if you plan to marry. Issue number one solved, right!

Weddings are expensive! 80% of young people will tell you this today. My question is, “how did you come up with the budget?” A friend of mine did a half-a-million shillings wedding, another one spent 15,000 shillings. Both are living a happy life. I will hit this head-on, there is no such thing as an expensive wedding. My local hotel sells a cup of tea at sh 20 while Kempinski sells the same for…how much? Sh. 500! If I go to Kempinski for a cup of tea then that's super expensive, but if Sonko goes there for the same then he can even complain that the hotel is too cheap! Low class. Do you get my point?

Live within your means! A wedding costs as much as you want it to, trust me. I have several years of experience in wedding committee membership. Why call a million people when you can call both families and your friends, just a total of 50 people or so! Why buy a thousand-dollar ring when you can get a good one at a thousand shillings? Why order a cake from Dubai when you can promote the local bakery at sh 5000, or even bake one! Why go for an expensive gown when cheaper ones exist! After all, you only wear it once. Why then should you say that weddings are expensive!

But before we go to the last issue, let’s address the problem that is the society. I know that you cannot be completely deaf to the society but neither should you give them the hare’s ears. Just because you earn sh. 50,000 a month doesn’t mean that you must do a 5m wedding as the society says. Just because people in your church do big-car weddings doesn’t mean that you must do the same. In fact, that’s a sin! Coveting. Just do one that fits your pocket. Ask yourself, where will the society be when your firstborn lacks Kindergarten fees just because you’re still paying the wedding loans! We will be here, laughing at you and how unprepared you were. So be smart.

However, it will be unfair to conclude without specifying the basics of a wedding for those who don’t know or think otherwise. For a customary wedding in Africa, the man needs to inform the lady’s parents and allow the talks to take place. Both parties will agree on some token that you should part with, but you should negotiate for what you can afford through your reps. And on that note, fathers-in-law, stop the extortion! What do you think your daughter will eat if you ask for a million! Harsh language? Sorry! But No! I mean it. Be considerate.

For the civil wedding, you need your spouse, both parents, witnesses, and don't forget your affordable ring. It's up to you to call us out for mchele. For the religious wedding, I’ll speak about the church because I am a Christian. After informing the church leadership of your intentions, you need to come with your spouse, parents, and some two witnesses. Congratulations newlyweds! What! You thought you need to call a million congregants! Well, the pastor can join you guys within the service. That’s Holy Matrimony. Don’t tell me about the sh. 50,000 for photos and videos; my friend owns an iPhone!

Way Forward

I am a young man, waiting to marry at some point, and this is a message to me just like it is to you and others out there. Maybe you’re used to hearing such words from married people because of experience; But I believe that I don’t need to be in a crashing plane to know how it feels to die that away, I can research and observe. To fellow young men, let’s not avoid weddings. At some point in our relationships, let’s inform the parents and the church then do what is required. However, let’s not part with what we do not have. A dowry that exceeds what you can afford is extortion. In fact, you can walk away because you’re about to marry from a heartless family. Good in-laws put the love and welfare of their daughter before anything. And to ladies, just because you watched the Prince’s wedding doesn’t mean that we should do the same here! Be realistic and accept an affordable wedding. More focus should be on the marriage life. And by the way, you can help us bargain for less dowry, right? Haha!